Joan of Arc, Vomit, and the Power of Motherhood

I was recently sitting on the bathroom floor at 2am while my baby threw up all over herself and me.  It got me to thinking a lot about motherhood. 

I always wanted to be a mom.  I didn’t put a ton of thought into it though because it just sort of was. 

The boy that made us parents. :)

I wasn’t really the kid who sat around dreaming about motherhood, but It wasn’t like I ever considered NOT having kids.  I didn’t plan to have any super early, because I had spent so many years nannying that I truly felt I understood how much work came with them (which was a joke compared to how much work they actually are).  However, I was married at 20 and had my first baby at 23.  That’s not crazy young, but it’s definitely not old.  It’s easy though, when you’re with the person you know you want to be with forever to start planning a family, because sometimes it just feels like... why not? 

I had the longest list of "to do’s" before I met my husband.  Travel, write, date a bunch and don’t get tied down.  I wanted to sing on broadway (I can't sing FYI), and I was going to be an actress!  Kid me, (who used to visit sets with my dad, an art director and set designer for films) had that decided before I even really knew what acting was.  I figured at some point I’d get around to it though, because... youth.  In fact, the night Jesse told me he loved me, the first words out of my mouth were “I’m not ready to get married and have kids!” 

That’s a little weird, but there it is. 

After I blurted out that little gem, I panicked even more and started rambling (probably incoherently) about all of the stuff I wanted to do.  “I’ve got plans dude!  I’m not ready to get tied down.  I mean... I love you too and all but... slow the horses!”  He replied with lots of sweet things like, “We’ll do it together!  How amazing to fulfill all of those dreams with someone by your side who loves you?!”  Sweet, sweet words.  Words that are harder to do, than to say. 

Ten months later, we were married.  (Because... Twu wuv.)  ;) 

Newly married babies.

Then, suddenly one day, I was a different me.  I’m not really sure what happened.  Some dormant maturity beast reared it’s ugly head and I became “responsible”.  Not responsible like all of my choices were good ones per se but mature-ish as in... time to put away childish things and be a grown up.  That’s not an unusual way to feel once you’re married and discussing the possibility of starting a family, but I think I took it all a little too seriously.  I put everything away that I had planned for my life to be a wife and a future mother.  That was my new identity. 

A few months after we were married, we were chatting with some acquaintances (people we’ve never seen again and whose names I’m not even sure I could remember), and out of the blue the woman asked me what I wanted to do with my life.  The question caught me by surprise.  It felt a little personal, but also, no one had ever really asked me that.  So I shrugged and fumbled out my response.  “Well, I want to be a mom.”  She looked at me humorously and rolled her eyes a little.  “Obviously.  But, what ELSE?” 

I just stood there like a dummy.  What else?  I can be more than one thing?  I can be both a mom and other things?!  I guess I had just never really considered it. 

My perspective shifted without me even realizing it needed to.  I was going to be a mom AND lots of other things.  Because... I could be. 

That was roughly thirteen years ago though.  I still ended up putting myself away, dusting myself off occasionally, but generally ignoring me.  At first it was because I thought that was what I was supposed to do, then it was because I really had to.  I was literally , figuratively and completely swallowed whole by the amazing responsibility of motherhood. 

Josephine's thighs though!!!

When you’re young and full of spirit, and have had a full nights sleep, you think that having a kid won’t really be that big of a deal.  You’ll just do it (and look at how cute babies are anyway)!  Then that sweet amazing little human becomes everything you are, and everything you ever want to be. 

You are a mom.  THAT is who you are. 

When people ask what you do or what your hobbies are, your mind goes blank and you can’t think of anything to say beyond... I’m a mom, they call me mom, but I like naps sometimes and peeing by myself!

Everything you are is literally embedded into everything your kids need and everything they are becoming.  It’s not intentional, it’s just science. 

Deep somewhere buried beneath the dirty laundry and the gray hair, was the woman I was.  That girl who planned to write, and travel and was electrified by life.  She existed! But she did what she needed to, to survive the diaper changes and dishes!  She tucked herself away to do the things she knew had to take priority.

There have been times in my mothering when I believed that being a mom was just the thing I was doing instead of the things I secretly wanted to be doing.  It’s hard to put that down in print because other “better” moms cast judgement because... I  just must not love my kids as much as they do.  And I HATE being treated like I love my children less because I want... not more, just... other things too.  And while we’re on the subject I also HATE being treated like I’m “just a mom” by other women as well.  That’s a real thing! 

Feeling like you have more to give the world isn’t selfish, and feeling like you need to take a break from that to give to your kids, isn’t unambitious.  (I could rant on that forever, but I’ll spare you this time around.) 

Meanwhile, I waited and waited until I felt like I needed to wake that old girl up.  Not necessarily when I wanted to, but when I felt instinctively that I needed to.

There were times I’d try to wake her and she’d swat me and roll back over for another ten minutes of peace.  Sometimes she’d tug at me and I’d pretend I didn’t hear her.  It’s been a complicated relationship. 

When I was younger, I was always hiding somewhere listening to music and writing.

It took us a while to get on the same page, but we did!  I’ve started to push myself to uncover that wide eyed girl who wanted to be everything.  I still have a million mountains I want to climb, and it’s not always easy to keep up with that voice in my head that says:  We have a heck of a lot more to give, so stop whining and get going already!  I’m a little slower than some and pretty nervous and leery of potholes, but I am moving! 

Little by little, as I step outside of the mommy realm that has been my life for a nearly solid twelve years, my perspective of how I see myself is changing. 

Being a mom isn’t “the thing I did instead” it’s just... another amazing thing I did! 

It’s one of the strengths in my arsenal.  It sets me apart, like my personality and my individual talents.  It’s one of the things that makes me the person I am. 

When I first started to seek out more opportunities, I can’t tell you how many panic attacks I had (and am still having)!  Take for example, the first time I walked into a classroom at a community college... I was sure I was going to be the old lady who was outdated and irrelevant.  I literally expected to be laughed out.  I assumed people would roll their eyes at me and scoff because... how dare I try to show up now, when everyone else was so much further ahead?!  I almost canceled the class the night before because I thought I was being ridiculous.  If it hadn’t been for the strong feeling I had that I was supposed to be there and for my sister and husband (who were the only ones who actually knew because I was too embarrassed to talk about it) insisting I not drop out, I would have happily walked away from that important step. 

That one seemingly insignificant step, has literally been one of the biggest steps on the road for me, and is definitely the most important one to date, because it was the first one that made me realize I hadn't missed my boat, and I did have a reason to be there.  

I almost didn’t take it though, because of fear... silly irrational, but paralyzing fear! 

I was afraid that I had spent too much time “Moming” to catch my ride.  I assumed I had missed it, and my efforts to catch up to it would be an embarrassing public display of desperation that I figured people would label my pre-midlife crisis.  (I am only in my 30’s after all...) 

Ultimately and shamefully, I saw my kids as the stumbling block to my future.  I loved them more than I thought my physical body was capable of loving someone, but they were holding me back. 

That’s just how I saw it sometimes.  (Our society today is full of voices that help that idea along, and again, I have a million things to say about it, but I’ll save it for another day.) 

I see it all differently now, though.  I see it for what it is.  I had my children when I had them.  I made the choices I made, and those choices weren’t wrong.  I walked that road just as I felt I was meant to, and now (still deeply entrenched in that road) I am putting on some new shoes and walking the road differently than I ever have.  I’m just being myself in a different way. 

As soon as I started opening the drawer and pulling out the girl I was a million years ago, the most amazing thing started to happen.  Mom me and girl with a dream me, started to become one.  We united under one common goal... I have something to offer.  Something great!  And as soon as we started working together, we just... clicked!   

It finally feels like for the first time ever, my body, my spirit, my whole heart... all that I am, is connected in one amazingly unified effort to fulfill all that I have to give and to help me become all that I can be.  I don’t really know how to describe it any other way. 

I am one. 

I have discovered that I am neither abnormal or unusual.  I am also not usual or normal!  I am just where I should be, but more importantly... WHEN I should be.  My children did not hold me back, if anything they’ve propelled me forward!  My mom-ness is just part of who I am! 

I have five amazing children (who I sometimes want to tape to the walls).  I have been here every day, since day one.  The ups and downs, the good and the bad.  I am strong because anyone who can stomach motherhood is!  (Because, lets be honest, it’s not for the faint of heart!) 

No one out there is better than me, and nobody out there is less than me.  We are all just trying to be who we feel we are intended to be, and we are there, when we are there. 

I am where I am. 

That’s all. 

I have a mantra I repeat to myself whenever I have to take a big step outside my comfort zone.  It’s by Joan of Arc, who, for the record, was amazing!  (If you haven’t seen this documentary about her, you must watch it!  https://vimeo.com/145558370)

“I am not afraid, for God is with me. I was born for this!”

(That is a condensed adaptation of the actual quote... http://www.maidofheaven.com/joanofarc_quote_I_am_not_afraid.asp) 

This painting by Albert Lynch ("Jeanne d'Arc"), gives me all the feelings!

It may be a stretch to compare my fears and the battles I face every day, to someone like Joan of Arc, but most of us will never have to face what Joan did.  My battles are smaller and the stakes are a thousand times lower, but the principles are the same.  Move forward in spite of the battlefield that lies ahead. 

I repeat those words in my mind as I walk into any room that scares me.  I can do both.  And because I truly feel with all of my heart and soul that I am doing all that I am meant to do (just as Joan did), I therefore have no reason to be afraid of anything I might face.  (Though that doesn't mean I wont be...)    

Through all of this learning/growing (excruciatingly painful expansion), the thing that has broadened my scope the most, is realizing, that being the Mom I am (being my whole self) has become one of my best qualities and definitely one of my biggest strengths. 

Motherhood is not a hindrance or a distraction.  And in doing it, I have definitely NOT been sidetracked from other things I could be doing with my life. 

So... Dear moms, you just keep on keepin' on!  Hug your babies and then ask yourself... “But, what else?!”  

What else do you have?  Cuz you’ve got stuff to give, and you CAN do it with that kid who won’t let go of your shirt and sometimes vomits all over you.  You can do it with their little hand in yours!  And when they grow up and have babies of their own, they’ll have already seen the value of motherhood, because you’ll see it in yourself.  They’ll know what we know...…

Motherhood doesn’t hold you back, it makes you stronger!