Practical Tips from a Realistic Parent:
/There really is no one true book on parenting. I mean... there are thousands of books on parenting but no actual manuals or step by step guides that give you practical responses to inevitable situations. At least not ones that are in line with my (perhaps slightly laid back) parenting compass. At least not that I’ve found. So, I'm sharing some secrets on how I deal with some of the typical moments we face as parents, and how to do it without losing your mind!
So here it is: A few practical steps from a realistic parent to get you through the day with your kids...
Morning time-ish:
First, ignore the screaming. I can't stress this first step enough. Seriously, ignore it. This is how you are going to get through your morning. Yeah the kids are fighting, but letting them work things out on their own teaches life skills. Plus, you won’t ever get anything done if you stop to deal with every little issue.
Second, make sure even the youngest of them knows how to work the remote. Though it will take some effort on your part at first, your mornings will improve substantially in the long run with this one step.
Next, poptarts (or any breakfast-like item the kids can get out themselves without destroying your life). They’ll still figure out a way to make a huge mess (like mashing things into the rug and smearing stuff all over the walls) but it eliminates any feelings of being obligated to make them something fancy. (You know... like eggs.) And anyway, healthy shmealthy!
Oatmeal is a no go.
Beware... after this, you'll have some time to kill (not much, but some). This is usually the time of day when I put forth the greatest effort to be a good mom. It's the time when all of my lists are made and subsequently wasted. So, once you've made your pointless "To Do" list, take a moment to eat a little breakfast. I promise the kids wont be as overwhelming if you aren't hangry.
If you're crazy like me and keep your kids home all day so you can teach them yourself, this is also a good time to attempt learning. Good days are filled with math books, reading, science projects and outdoor exploration. Bad days are filled with lots of screaming. From all of us.
It's so early in the day, that you're going to feel like you’ll never survive it. But! If you throw a few crayons and some paper in their general direction, they might stay out of your way for a full 30 seconds! (Use that time to pee. They’ll bother you anyway, but you'll definitely have juuuust enough time to pull your pants down before they walk in on you!)
Some utilize this time to take a trip to the park, take a walk, or run errands. This would be a mistake. As parents we tend to idealize how these outings will go, expecting our children will see and appreciate the effort it took to make that outing a reality, and adore you all the more for it. In reality, they’ll hate you for not packing a snack, making them walk by themselves, and not buying them anything they desire. Also, they’ll have to poop. (I want to add here, that when you take kids to the bathroom you start to see public restrooms with new eyes. EVERYTHING is gross and covered with life altering diseases, and they’ll probably touch it or lick it before you leave. Anti-bacterial is a good thing to have on hand, because even if it doesn’t actually help, it makes you feel proactive.)
Afternoon time-ish:
with or without underwear.
It’s usually around this time of day that lunch will start to loom over you. You have to make something and like Russian roulette you have no way of knowing how it will go. It’s an incredible gift that children have to survive on a diet of only Macaroni and Cheese, Hot Dogs, and PB and J, but somehow still put the most snobby food critic to shame with their judgement of what you’ve prepared for them. Make sure there are NO flecks of anything that might sort of resemble a vegetable. If you aren't careful here, you’ll spend an hour of your day BEGGING them to eat.
Pretending you don’t care works about thirty percent of the time. They probably won't starve though.
After the lunch disaster has ended, it’s best to distract them with something. Television works like a charm (again)! I don’t care what the "experts" say. Keeping the kids alive is good for all involved and that means they need to leave you alone for one solitary moment of your day. Do it. I promise I wont tell, or judge you. Turn on some blindingly obnoxious cartoon, that should do the trick! Or, just give them candy and let the chips fall where they may.
This will give you a minute to sneak into the kitchen and shove something into your mouth. I add a warning of caution though... ANY crackling sound you might make while removing whatever secret treat you’ve got tucked away will instantly trigger a mass convergence on your solitude. Choose treats that have no wrapper, or snacks that you have carefully taken the time to remove wrappers on prior to this moment. You’ll think you can get away with it, but trust me, you can’t.
It is from this moment- to the moment those little angels are tucked sweetly in their beds, that you will begin watching the clock incessantly, counting down the seconds until that time. Hang in there, bedtime will come!
Evening time-ish:
Dinner time. Repeat the lunch process. The objective at dinner always is to get the food down them as quickly as possible. You’re in the home stretch!
Finally, there’s a golden time between dinner and bedtime when you are so close to the end of the tunnel that you feel like you can muster one last act of loving parenting kindness and it is in these golden moments that you can offer to read the kids a book. Might I recommend having one picked out prior to suggesting this activity to them? Otherwise they’ll argue over which book you read. Also, be prepared for a THOUSAND interruptions. They want to hear the story... but also they don’t. They’re probably wondering why that guy at the park had no shoes on, what the word constipated means, or why their friends parents don’t live together anymore, and they'll definitely ask you about those things while you're reading. Also, they'll be so busy picking their noses and eating the gold they find, that they won’t really absorb anything you say. It’s all about the effort with this one. Trying counts!
I want to remind you that bedtime will come. I feel it's necessary to assure you of this, since the moment you start the bedtime routine it will feel like it NEVER will. Let me repeat that: It will feel like it NEVER will. Seriously.
Brushing teeth takes five hours.
Peeing takes five hours.
Getting a drink of water takes five hours.
Saying prayers takes five hours.
Asking “What are we going to do tomorrow?” takes five hours.
Saying “I just love you Mama.” takes five hours because they say it every time they sense you’re going to snap, thereby ensuring their safety for yet another day. I honestly believe this is a primal survival technique, it works every time.
Also, be careful! This time of night is a dangerous time for the tired mama. This is the time the word "sure" comes out haphazardly because you're willing to say anything to get them in bed faster. "Can I play with my friends tomorrow?" "Can I sleep in your bed?" "Can we have donuts for breakfast?" "Can I sleep in my clothes?" "Can I just go to bed without brushing my teeth?" "Can we read all of Harry Potter tomorrow?" "Can we go to Disneyland this week?" ...etc. ANY "sure" that slips out here will instantly become a blood oath that you didn't know you made, and they will NEVER let you forget it.
Hey! Guess what? Bedtime came!
Now, prepare yourself to settle in. Get comfortable, pull out that snack you couldn’t finish earlier, turn on the show that isn’t really inappropriate but definitely isn’t appropriate for your kids to see, and then ready yourself... they WILL come out and tell you they can’t sleep because they had a bad dream. (How do you have a bad dream three minutes after laying in your bed? Who knows.) They might even ask if they can snuggle you for a minute. I guarantee that, at most, It’s only been fifteen minutes since you first put them to bed, so you’ve only filled your patience bucket by about two percent. Kiss them, swat their butt and tell them if they come out again, you’re going to be mad.
They will. Prepare yourself for that.
Bedtime. Will. Come.
Finally they’ll fall asleep! So push yourself to stay awake to finish the ONE episode of that TV show you wanted to watch (because if you don't you'll feel like you didn't even have one moment to yourself that day) and then you can shuffle off to brush your own teeth and finish whatever bedtime routine you have.
Go ahead and check on the kids. You’ll feel so lucky they’re yours. No joke.
At this point you can turn off the light, and settle into your comfortable bed (it may not actually be comfortable, but after the day you had, it will feel like heaven gifted you clouds to sleep on). At last you can close your eyes, finally shut the voice up in your head that won't stop telling you about all the things you did wrong that day and all the things you’ll inevitably do wrong tomorrow, and lightly drift off to some place where massages exist.
Be warned. This is the child's favorite time to barf. If you’re lucky, you’ll hear it from another room. If you’re not, you’ll hear it as it hits the floor next to your bed. Try not to step in it as you rush them to the bathroom, but you will.
Maybe you’ll sleep the rest of the night, maybe you won’t.
Prepare yourself for this though- Once you’ve spent forty five minutes cleaning up someone else's vomit, you wont be able to fall right back to sleep. Go figure! You’ll stare at the dark ceiling for several hours expecting to hear the sound of it again, until your body literally can’t stay awake anymore and you pass out.
And lastly, when morning comes -just be ready- you’re probably sick. Either you have what the kids gave you, or your body has given you that special kind of cold that’s your body’s way of telling you, you need to slow down. (How though, body? You think I don’t WANT to slow down?!!)
Guess what though! The kids don’t care that you're sick. In fact, they don’t even notice. They’ll still want to eat, they’ll still fight, they’ll still scream at each other, they’ll still smear food everywhere, they’ll still complain about all. the. things., they’ll still want to snuggle you, they’ll still avoid bedtime, they’ll still wake you up in the middle of the night, they’ll still look like precious little angels when they're finally asleep, and you’ll still love them.
I don't know.
Parenting is filled with peaks and valleys, with beautiful vistas at the top and an obstacle coarse of potholes, quicksand and smells that you feel certain can't actually exist (but they do!) at the bottom. So prepare yourself for that.
That’s called reality, and moderation, and gross, but also, that’s called parenthood.
As drawn in sidewalk chalk by my kids (for all the neighbors to see). Happy mom crossed out, sad/angry mom circled. #kidsarehonest